This is a long one, but stick with it cos' the payoff is awesome
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, 5 minutes later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
Glad you're enjoying them - I'm enjoying sifting through and finding some great ones to post. My brother sent me this one last night;
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 streets from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 streets away. He kicked the moggy out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the bloody cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he'd soon gone over 50 miles away.
Later that day, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", she answers, "why do you ask?"
"GOD DAMMIT!!!" He screams, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, he didn't want to argue with the Pope, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing and recognising who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
The trooper says, "No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Governor, isn't it ?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important," replies the trooper.
"Well, WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
lol - glad she likes them too Roar, I'll keep 'em comin
Here's another for you (it's rude, without being crude or obvious. Suggestive is a good description - Galvy, you'll like this one);
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are seriously freezing now!"
She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"
With the tongue in cheek like Sunstorm. Excellent joke btw.
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises> that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
Here's another "borderline" one, but it's real funny;
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, "Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch willy, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big guy looks down and says "Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch willy, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."
These jokes are great but unfortunately, I don't know of any clean ones, I only know of the really funny dirty ones....(jokes you hear at the bar are the best!) So I'll just have to read on and laugh.
A young guy from Mississippi moves to New York and goes to a
big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says
'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi '
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers
bought something from you today?'
The kid says 'one'.
The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to
30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$121,237.65'.
The boss says '$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him
a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a
twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT and a TRUCK ?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to get busy all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began going at it like crazy. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!!"
