Joke of the day
Moderators: Kup, Ultra Magnus
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ghostinthemachine
- Aerial Supreme Commander
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none
lol how tragic lol
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Time Traveller
- Father Time (Admin)
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ghostinthemachine
- Aerial Supreme Commander
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none
i know its still funny
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Grimlock
- Delicate, Loveable Dinobot
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Okay this one is a bit long winded but very funny :-
Three men are just about to face a firing squad. The first man takes his position, but just as they are about to shoot him he yells " EARTHQUAKE ". everyone dives for cover and the man escapes over the wall.
The second man takes his position and again, just as they are about to shoot him he screams " TWISTER " and everyone dives for cover and the second man escapes over the wall
The third man, who is a bit dim witted thinks " I getit, use disasters and they all scoot for cover " . So he takes his position and with a smile says " FIRE " .....................
Three men are just about to face a firing squad. The first man takes his position, but just as they are about to shoot him he yells " EARTHQUAKE ". everyone dives for cover and the man escapes over the wall.
The second man takes his position and again, just as they are about to shoot him he screams " TWISTER " and everyone dives for cover and the second man escapes over the wall
The third man, who is a bit dim witted thinks " I getit, use disasters and they all scoot for cover " . So he takes his position and with a smile says " FIRE " .....................
ME GRIMLOCK WANT TO MUNCH METAL
A nun and a priest were on a tour of mercy for their parish visiting sick people in their homes and the hospital. Not being mindful of the gas guage the father and sister soon found themselves on the side of the road out of fuel.
There were no cars in sight but a service station sign was in the distance within an easy walk of the car. The father opened the trunk of the car and looked for a gas can but there wasn't one. The only things there were in the trunk was a jack, spare tire, some bibles and a bedpan.
The sister remarked, "Father we have no gas can how are we to get fuel?"
The father picked up the bedpan and remarked, "This bedpan will have to suffice, Sister, it will at least hold enough fuel for us to turn the engine over and get us to the gas station so that we can fill the tank the rest of the way. There is no need for you to have to walk so if you wish stay with the car and I will be right back."
The father smiled warmly at the sister and began his walk to the gas station. In the meantime the sister picked up one of the small bibles they gave away out of the trunk and began to read it standing by the side of the car.
Soon the father was back with a bedpan full of gasoline. The father asked the sister, "Please find a passage to read in the good book so that we may thank the good Lord for our safe journey and providence in being so close to the help we needed."
Just as the father began pouring gasoline into the tank and the sister began reading a tractor trailer driver stopped in the road and remarked,
"Do y'all need some help? I know you are in good stead with the Lord but I don't think that's a miracle he can perform!"
There were no cars in sight but a service station sign was in the distance within an easy walk of the car. The father opened the trunk of the car and looked for a gas can but there wasn't one. The only things there were in the trunk was a jack, spare tire, some bibles and a bedpan.
The sister remarked, "Father we have no gas can how are we to get fuel?"
The father picked up the bedpan and remarked, "This bedpan will have to suffice, Sister, it will at least hold enough fuel for us to turn the engine over and get us to the gas station so that we can fill the tank the rest of the way. There is no need for you to have to walk so if you wish stay with the car and I will be right back."
The father smiled warmly at the sister and began his walk to the gas station. In the meantime the sister picked up one of the small bibles they gave away out of the trunk and began to read it standing by the side of the car.
Soon the father was back with a bedpan full of gasoline. The father asked the sister, "Please find a passage to read in the good book so that we may thank the good Lord for our safe journey and providence in being so close to the help we needed."
Just as the father began pouring gasoline into the tank and the sister began reading a tractor trailer driver stopped in the road and remarked,
"Do y'all need some help? I know you are in good stead with the Lord but I don't think that's a miracle he can perform!"
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.
"It is essential that husbands and wives know eachother's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man. "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
---
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
---
A husband reads an article to his wife about how many words women use a day--30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
---
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving eachother the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5 am for an early morning flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 am." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 am, and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It's 5 am. Wake up."
(Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)
"It is essential that husbands and wives know eachother's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man. "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
---
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
---
A husband reads an article to his wife about how many words women use a day--30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
---
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving eachother the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5 am for an early morning flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 am." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 am, and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It's 5 am. Wake up."
(Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)
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Cliffjumper
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ghostinthemachine
- Aerial Supreme Commander
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none
funny and so true lol
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Commander Megatron
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ghostinthemachine
- Aerial Supreme Commander
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- Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
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ghostinthemachine
- Aerial Supreme Commander
- Posts: 712
- Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
none
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the
ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an
ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard
about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well. Then one day, the rancher 's widow said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go
into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand
readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One
o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the
room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass
of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks"
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the
fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped
it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes
into town again, you're fired."
Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either!
wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the
ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an
ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard
about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well. Then one day, the rancher 's widow said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go
into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand
readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One
o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the
room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass
of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks"
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the
fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped
it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes
into town again, you're fired."
Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either!
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Grimlock
- Delicate, Loveable Dinobot
- Posts: 2187
- Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2008 4:12 am
- Location: Enjoying my life.
Here are a few
Awomangoes in to a car showroomand says to the salesman " You know that car you sold me last week is it under warranty for breakages "
The sales man replies " yes madam it is under warranty for that for two years "
" in that case " says the woman " I would like to claim for a bicycle, three other cars, the garden wall and the garage door "
I was going to tell a joke about a blunt pencil, till I realised that it was pointless.
What do you get if you cross a cat with Godzilla ?
A town that is remarkably free of dogs.
Awomangoes in to a car showroomand says to the salesman " You know that car you sold me last week is it under warranty for breakages "
The sales man replies " yes madam it is under warranty for that for two years "
" in that case " says the woman " I would like to claim for a bicycle, three other cars, the garden wall and the garage door "
I was going to tell a joke about a blunt pencil, till I realised that it was pointless.
What do you get if you cross a cat with Godzilla ?
A town that is remarkably free of dogs.
ME GRIMLOCK WANT TO MUNCH METAL
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Cliffjumper
- Cybertronian Cowboy
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Grimlock
- Delicate, Loveable Dinobot
- Posts: 2187
- Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2008 4:12 am
- Location: Enjoying my life.
Here I go again :-
a guy went to the missing persons bureau, but he could not find anyone there ....
A fool and his money are a girls best freind .....
I want an honest weeks pay for an honest days work ........
The headstone for the farmer poet
Here lies a peasant poet
who daydreamed while driving a tractor
we do not know why he is gone
but to try to plough the M1
was probably a contributing factor
What do you call a woman who sets fire to the electric bill.
Bernadette
a guy went to the missing persons bureau, but he could not find anyone there ....
A fool and his money are a girls best freind .....
I want an honest weeks pay for an honest days work ........
The headstone for the farmer poet
Here lies a peasant poet
who daydreamed while driving a tractor
we do not know why he is gone
but to try to plough the M1
was probably a contributing factor
What do you call a woman who sets fire to the electric bill.
Bernadette
ME GRIMLOCK WANT TO MUNCH METAL
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ghostinthemachine
- Aerial Supreme Commander
- Posts: 712
- Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
none
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She
gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde
mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN'!!!)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welfare Poem - you will love this
...
I cross ocean,
poor and broke,
Take bus,
see employment folk.
Nice man treat me
good in there,
Say I need to
see welfare.
Welfare say,
'You come no more,
We send cash
right to your door.'
Welfare checks,
they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep
you healthy!
By and by,
I get plenty money,
Thanks to you,
American dummy.
Write to friends
in motherland,
Tell them 'come
fast as you can.'
They come in turbans
and Ford trucks,
I buy big house
with welfare bucks
They come here,
we live together,
More welfare checks,
it gets better!
Fourteen families,
they moving in,
But neighbor's patience
wearing thin.
Finally, white guy
moves away,
Now I buy his house,
and then I say,
'Find more aliens
for house to rent.'
And in the yard
I put a tent.
Send for family
they just trash,
But they, too,
draw the welfare cash!
Everything is
very good,
And soon we
own the neighborhood.
We have hobby
it's called breeding,
Welfare pay
for baby feeding.
Kid's need dentist?
Wife's need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!
American's crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
running here.
We think America
darn good place!
Too darn good for
the white man race.
If they no like us, they can
scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan ..
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She
gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde
mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN'!!!)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welfare Poem - you will love this
...
I cross ocean,
poor and broke,
Take bus,
see employment folk.
Nice man treat me
good in there,
Say I need to
see welfare.
Welfare say,
'You come no more,
We send cash
right to your door.'
Welfare checks,
they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep
you healthy!
By and by,
I get plenty money,
Thanks to you,
American dummy.
Write to friends
in motherland,
Tell them 'come
fast as you can.'
They come in turbans
and Ford trucks,
I buy big house
with welfare bucks
They come here,
we live together,
More welfare checks,
it gets better!
Fourteen families,
they moving in,
But neighbor's patience
wearing thin.
Finally, white guy
moves away,
Now I buy his house,
and then I say,
'Find more aliens
for house to rent.'
And in the yard
I put a tent.
Send for family
they just trash,
But they, too,
draw the welfare cash!
Everything is
very good,
And soon we
own the neighborhood.
We have hobby
it's called breeding,
Welfare pay
for baby feeding.
Kid's need dentist?
Wife's need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!
American's crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
running here.
We think America
darn good place!
Too darn good for
the white man race.
If they no like us, they can
scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan ..
-
ghostinthemachine
- Aerial Supreme Commander
- Posts: 712
- Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
none
lol no
-
S0und_wave
- Decepticon Communications Officer
- Posts: 696
- Joined: Mon May 12, 2008 5:35 pm
- Location: New York
Re: none
lolWelfare Poem - you will love this
...
I cross ocean,
poor and broke,
Take bus,
see employment folk.
..
where did u get this
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ghostinthemachine
- Aerial Supreme Commander
- Posts: 712
- Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am