Joke of the day

S0und_wave · Post by **S0und_wave** » Thu Dec 18, 2008 9:28 pm

lmao

Dirge · Post by **Dirge** » Sat Dec 20, 2008 11:14 am

where do you keep finding all these jokes

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Sat Dec 20, 2008 11:27 am

then get sent to me by my gfriend everyday

Grimlock · Post by **Grimlock** » Sat Dec 20, 2008 8:25 pm

I would post some that he sends me .......... but they would get the thread locked and I would be banned for life ..........

Dirge · Post by **Dirge** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:43 am

since when did that stop you ??????

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Tue Dec 23, 2008 10:47 am

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
Nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . ... . .. .. .. .

(scroll down)

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box

Sideways · Post by **Sideways** » Tue Dec 23, 2008 11:03 am

Ramjet · Post by **Ramjet** » Tue Dec 23, 2008 12:59 pm

Another classic! These really do make my day.

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Tue Dec 23, 2008 1:04 pm

im glad you like them

Countdown · Post by **Countdown** » Tue Dec 23, 2008 6:15 pm

That was freakin funny!

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Wed Jan 07, 2009 1:10 pm

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could . spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Countdown · Post by **Countdown** » Wed Jan 07, 2009 7:28 pm

Great one Starscream!

Ramjet · Post by **Ramjet** » Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:46 pm

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 2:24 pm

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

Ramjet · Post by **Ramjet** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:17 pm

That joke has me fiercely a-bulging

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Fri Jan 16, 2009 5:06 pm

The Beltway Correspondent apparently has more than a little experience in such matters.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....

So, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....

****

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

****

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".

And then the fight started.....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, an d slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started ...

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started.....

Ironhide · Post by **Ironhide** » Fri Jan 16, 2009 5:29 pm

Those were great!!!

Commander Megatron · Post by **Commander Megatron** » Sat Jan 17, 2009 7:14 am

GITM they are excellent, keep 'em coming!

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 10:34 am

My short-lived job as a Wal*Mart Greeter

Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have
become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new

job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many
retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very
loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into

the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at

them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,

'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there, are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the
other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're

twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,

I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!

Have a good day and thank you for shopping
at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for
this line of work.

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 11:05 am

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big ---- he always was.'

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re- bait the trap.'

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
Difference.