A regular fairy tale begins with "Once upon a time....." a southern fairy tale begins with "Y'all ain't gonna' believe this "stuff"!"
Joke of the day
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Commander Megatron
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ghostinthemachine
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They're back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
(Pick your favorites - mine are No.'s 23 & 25) But all were funny.J
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters and computers. These
sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services (summer, 2007 Release).
------------------------------------------------- ---------
1) The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
2) The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
------------- -------! ------ --------------------------------
3) Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
------------------------------------------------ ---------
4) Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
5) The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due
to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
6) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile
at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------------------------------------------ --------
7) Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------- -- ------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
9) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
10) Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
11) The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
------------------------------------------------- --------
12) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------- --------
13) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------------------ ---------------------------
14) Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------------------ -- - --- ---------------------------
15) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------------------------------------------- --------
16) Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
------------------------------------------------- --------
17) The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------- --------
1 Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------- --------
19) The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
------------- ---------------------------------------------
20) This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-- ---- ------ - --------------------------------------------
21) Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
22) The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
------------------------------------------------- --------
23) Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.
------------------------------------------------- --------
24) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
25) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
------------------------------ ------ -- --------------------
26) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.
here is another one
A doctor on his morning walk noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar,
so he walked up to her and said, 'I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?'
'I smok e ten cigars a day,' she said. 'Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that,
I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills,
get laid, and don't exercise at all.'
'That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?'
'Thirty-four,' she replied.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this is a story about a teacher and her new 5th grade class
this is the start of a new year and the middle of the week the teacher tells her class that they are going to be doing something different this year, every thursday im going to ask you a question and if you answer it correctly you wont have to come to school tomorrow (friday)
the class replies ok
the question is how many stars are in the sky
the class replies we dont know
so they had to report to school the next day
next thursday the teacher asked the class another question
kids if you answer this correctly you dont have to come to school tomorrow
how many grains of sand are on a beach
the kids replied we dont know
so during the weekend one kids gets a pair of golf balls and paints them black
next thursday rolls around and the teacher told the class if you can answer this question you dont have to come to school tomorrow, while the teacher was writing the question on the board the kid through the painted golf balls at the blackboard, alright whose the comedian with the black balls
the class replied Richard Pryor see you monday teach
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Pick your favorites - mine are No.'s 23 & 25) But all were funny.J
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters and computers. These
sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services (summer, 2007 Release).
------------------------------------------------- ---------
1) The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
2) The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
------------- -------! ------ --------------------------------
3) Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
------------------------------------------------ ---------
4) Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
5) The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due
to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
6) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile
at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------------------------------------------ --------
7) Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------- -- ------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
9) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
10) Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
11) The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
------------------------------------------------- --------
12) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------- --------
13) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------------------ ---------------------------
14) Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------------------ -- - --- ---------------------------
15) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------------------------------------------- --------
16) Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
------------------------------------------------- --------
17) The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------- --------
1 Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------- --------
19) The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
------------- ---------------------------------------------
20) This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-- ---- ------ - --------------------------------------------
21) Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
22) The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
------------------------------------------------- --------
23) Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.
------------------------------------------------- --------
24) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
------------------------------------------------- ---------
25) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
------------------------------ ------ -- --------------------
26) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.
here is another one
A doctor on his morning walk noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar,
so he walked up to her and said, 'I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?'
'I smok e ten cigars a day,' she said. 'Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that,
I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills,
get laid, and don't exercise at all.'
'That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?'
'Thirty-four,' she replied.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this is a story about a teacher and her new 5th grade class
this is the start of a new year and the middle of the week the teacher tells her class that they are going to be doing something different this year, every thursday im going to ask you a question and if you answer it correctly you wont have to come to school tomorrow (friday)
the class replies ok
the question is how many stars are in the sky
the class replies we dont know
so they had to report to school the next day
next thursday the teacher asked the class another question
kids if you answer this correctly you dont have to come to school tomorrow
how many grains of sand are on a beach
the kids replied we dont know
so during the weekend one kids gets a pair of golf balls and paints them black
next thursday rolls around and the teacher told the class if you can answer this question you dont have to come to school tomorrow, while the teacher was writing the question on the board the kid through the painted golf balls at the blackboard, alright whose the comedian with the black balls
the class replied Richard Pryor see you monday teach
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Commander Megatron
- Custom Rank 4 U! Ask an Admin!
- Posts: 8745
- Joined: Wed Jul 12, 2006 12:00 pm
- Location: Kolkular
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ghostinthemachine
- Aerial Supreme Commander
- Posts: 712
- Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
none
'INDIAN MATING SEASON!!!!!'
Two Indians and a Missouri Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'he called into the cave and listened
Closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothe s and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us.'
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....
(Get ready, this will kill ya),
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Holy Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought.....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:
;SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."
Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
Two Indians and a Missouri Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'he called into the cave and listened
Closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothe s and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us.'
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....
(Get ready, this will kill ya),
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Holy Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought.....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:
;SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."
Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
-
Grimlock
- Delicate, Loveable Dinobot
- Posts: 2187
- Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2008 4:12 am
- Location: Enjoying my life.
These are ( supposedly ) genuine extracts from letters to landlords :-
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen .......
Can you please tell me when our repairs are to be done, as my wife is about to become an expectant mother ..........
The toilet seat is cracked ; Where do I stand ..............
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall .......
Could you please send someone to fix my downspout, I am an OAP and I need it straight away ..........
----------------------------------------------------------------------
And some regular jokes :-
Housework never killed anyone ............ WHY SHOULD I BE THE FIRST .......
Two dumb airline pilots are going in to land when one says to the other " The runway here is extremely short, so I need you to control the flaps while I land the plane "
The second pilot says ok
The first pilot says " gimme half flaps the runway is shorter than I remember " Then he Screams " Gimme full flaps this runway is so short we may overshoot "
The plane stops dead centre of the runway and the first pilot says " see I told you it was short "
The second pilot looks out of the side window and says " Yeah it sure is short but it looks like it is about half a mile wide ...............
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen .......
Can you please tell me when our repairs are to be done, as my wife is about to become an expectant mother ..........
The toilet seat is cracked ; Where do I stand ..............
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall .......
Could you please send someone to fix my downspout, I am an OAP and I need it straight away ..........
----------------------------------------------------------------------
And some regular jokes :-
Housework never killed anyone ............ WHY SHOULD I BE THE FIRST .......
Two dumb airline pilots are going in to land when one says to the other " The runway here is extremely short, so I need you to control the flaps while I land the plane "
The second pilot says ok
The first pilot says " gimme half flaps the runway is shorter than I remember " Then he Screams " Gimme full flaps this runway is so short we may overshoot "
The plane stops dead centre of the runway and the first pilot says " see I told you it was short "
The second pilot looks out of the side window and says " Yeah it sure is short but it looks like it is about half a mile wide ...............
ME GRIMLOCK WANT TO MUNCH METAL
-
Time Traveller
- Father Time (Admin)
- Posts: 6470
- Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2003 1:12 am
- Location: 90482 Orcus
- Contact:
-
Time Traveller
- Father Time (Admin)
- Posts: 6470
- Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2003 1:12 am
- Location: 90482 Orcus
- Contact:
-
Time Traveller
- Father Time (Admin)
- Posts: 6470
- Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2003 1:12 am
- Location: 90482 Orcus
- Contact:
A guy walks in to a bar with a duck on his head. He walks up to the counter and sits down. The bartender looks at the guy and asks "can I get ya anything, sir?" The man replies "no thanks." The bartender then turns to the duck, "well what about you, sir?" and the duck says "yeah, can ya get this guy off my @$$?"
How do you kill a blond?
-Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.
What's the difference between beernuts and deernuts?
-beernuts are always a buck fifty and deernuts are always under a buck.
How do you kill a blond?
-Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.
What's the difference between beernuts and deernuts?
-beernuts are always a buck fifty and deernuts are always under a buck.
Conformers--Absolutely Nothing More Than Meets The Eye!
Giant robot stuff here: http://venomianbane-giantrobots.blogspot.com/
-
Time Traveller
- Father Time (Admin)
- Posts: 6470
- Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2003 1:12 am
- Location: 90482 Orcus
- Contact:
A russian-born friend of mine at school and i were talking about WWII.
he says to me
"That's not funny... my grandpa died in a prison camp during WWII."
"oh... i'm sorry to hear that. where was he?"
"in russia... he fell off a guard tower!"
and he slapped me on the back, laughing his maniacal russian laugh...
he says to me
"That's not funny... my grandpa died in a prison camp during WWII."
"oh... i'm sorry to hear that. where was he?"
"in russia... he fell off a guard tower!"
and he slapped me on the back, laughing his maniacal russian laugh...
