Joke of the day

Galvatron · Post by **Galvatron** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 10:51 pm

oh you know I'm going to try that one out!

Countdown · Post by **Countdown** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:58 pm

GITM - Very funny! I am still laughin! The gf thinks I am crazy 'bout now.

Grimlock · Post by **Grimlock** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:46 am

oh you know I'm going to try that one out!

You had better not, or I will have to send Derrick to your home with the digger................

Hang on, the cat wishes to say something

I, the above mentioned moggy, do hereby state that I will attack any human who even thinks about stuffing me in the bog.

Yours Sincerely

The Cat

Dinobot · Post by **Dinobot** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 3:42 am

My cat just gave me a "you know where you can go" look just now. Then she ran away and hid while I ran after her going "here kitty kitty"

Rattrap · Post by **Rattrap** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:09 pm

That would have to be one angry cat, but it would be pretty funny to see.

Also, don't stuff the moggy in the bog is some seriously funny slang. I laughed for about ten minutes after figuring out what it meant. Thank you Snarl-lock for making my day that much weirder.

Grimlock · Post by **Grimlock** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 6:05 pm

My pleasure

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Sat Dec 06, 2008 11:04 am

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new
shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food
court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next
to him.

The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept
staring at him. The teenager would look and find him
staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never
done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my
food so that I would not choke
on his response; knowing
he would have a good one.
And, in classic style he did
not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and
had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Countdown · Post by **Countdown** » Sat Dec 06, 2008 11:12 am

LOL, keep them coming GITM!

Commander Megatron · Post by **Commander Megatron** » Sat Dec 06, 2008 11:30 am

Excellent GITM, I will have to think of some more.

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:02 pm

yeah that was my thoughts exactly Ramjet when i first read it

Scrapper · Post by **Scrapper** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 3:11 am

The lion,king of the forest,takes a walk in the savannah.
He sees the zebra,arrives at her and sibilates her with a superior being tone
"Tell me Zebra,who is the king of the forest?"
"It's you,my majesty!"
The lion resumes his walk,until he sees a gazelle,arrives at her and sibilates her with a superior being tone
"Tell me gazelle,who is the king of the forest?"
The gazelle,all skaking with fear,replies in a weak voice
"Majesty,you're my lord!"
The lion with an air of detachment and superiority
"All right gazelle,you can go, your lord,kindly graces your life!"
The lion resumes his walk ,until he reaches the river,where he meets the elephant.
"Tell me elephant,who is the king of the forest?"
The elephant,annoyed,looks down on him,then grabs him by the trunk and hurls him far.
The lion gets up again limping and suffereing,,returns to the elephant and shouts him with enraged tone
"Tell me elephant,who is the king of te forest?"
The elephant moves again,captures him again with the trunk and he hurls him even more far
After a while the lion manages to get up again,all beaten up and he yells him
"Elephant,if you don't remember that,it's useless that you get pissed so much!!"

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 1:30 pm

Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonor rhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! &nbs p; You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him.

'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
*******************************************

Sideways · Post by **Sideways** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 1:57 pm

S0und_wave · Post by **S0und_wave** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 3:19 pm

rofl

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 5:24 pm

Redneck Condo's

Grimlock · Post by **Grimlock** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 7:04 pm

I want the top one ........

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Wed Dec 10, 2008 10:40 am

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,
the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months
without stepping on any ducks,
but
one day St.Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
but I stepped on a
duck.

Ramjet · Post by **Ramjet** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 1:05 pm

For the love of Primus GITM, don't EVER stop posting these jokes! This last batch are some of the best I've ever heard! ROTFLMFAO

ghostinthemachine · Post by **ghostinthemachine** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 2:55 pm

i will keep them coming

WOMEN'S TRANSLATIONS

WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I�m sorry. = You�ll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It�s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You�ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don�t want you to.

I�m not upset = Of course I�m upset, you moron!
You�re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You�re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I�m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you�re really not going to like.

I�ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I�m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you�re dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don�t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What�s wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It�s just that you�re such an idiot!

S0und_wave · Post by **S0und_wave** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 4:14 pm

XD