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PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 11:23 am 
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Aerial Lord Of Destruction
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Posts: 2372
Location: Anywhere but here
They just keep getting better!

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 8:13 pm 
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Aerial Supreme Commander

Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
Posts: 712
Two Garbage Bags



A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two

large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags

rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto

the sidewalk..



Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am,

there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'



'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better

go back, and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling

me..'



'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get

all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'



'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard

is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game

days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my

flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge

clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the

fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'



'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. 'OK? Good

luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'



'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'Not everybody Pays"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 2:19 pm 
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Autobot Legend
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Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2007 9:46 am
Posts: 1525
Location: The Great State of Texas!
Saw this sign in a local pharmacy:

"RELEASED INGREDIENTS OF VIRAGA:"

3%-Vitiam E

2%-Asprin

3%-Ibuprofen

5%-Spray Starch

87%-Fix-A-Flat!

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THE PROTECTOR OF CYBERTRON


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 5:10 pm 
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Decepticon Demolitions Expert
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Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2007 12:51 pm
Posts: 1884
Location: Micro-Cassette Recorder
A man is sitting at home studying his marriage certificate, when his wife comes into the room. She asks "What are you looking for?”

The husband looks up at her and says "The expiry date.”

Rumble.

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R.I.P, Menasor.

I can't believe I thought Cassettes were the way of the future.

Is +1 on Kups list.

'Cons Have More Fun


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 6:16 pm 
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Decoy
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Joined: Sun Jan 25, 2009 5:47 pm
Posts: 10
Couldn't find an "introduce yourself" thread so.........

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto!




Oh, an hi.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 6:25 pm 
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Micromaster Commander
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Posts: 1425
Location: Micro Iacon
Hello Groundshaker! Welcome to the board! I happen to have just bought you mere days ago! hehe! You are welcome to make your own intro thread in the billboard section if you like.

Glad to have ya here!

PS.. unfortunately I had to think about that one for a second... Hehe, that was funny!

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 9:27 am 
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Nurse to Die For
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Posts: 3212
Location: Transformerland-North HQ
Haha! Silly joke, but fun!
Welcome to TFL, Groundshaker! :)

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Gone but not forgotten - Menasor


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 10:05 am 
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Aerial Supreme Commander

Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
Posts: 712
Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster
says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "....How many is a
Brazilian?"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 10:18 am 
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Micromaster Commander
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Posts: 1425
Location: Micro Iacon
I am still laughing at that one! That was great!

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 11:25 am 
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Aerial Supreme Commander

Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
Posts: 712
Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?!'



She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 9:13 pm 
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Micromaster Commander
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Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 1425
Location: Micro Iacon
That was funny. I needed that. Thanks for providing the laughs!

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 6:46 am 
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Delicate, Loveable Dinobot
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Posts: 2187
Location: Enjoying my life.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

I think that blonde women have something of an unfair reputation .........
It makes me glad that I am dark haired :lol:

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ME GRIMLOCK WANT TO MUNCH METAL


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 8:02 am 
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Aerial Supreme Commander

Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
Posts: 712
anytime Ratchet


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:12 pm 
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Aerial Supreme Commander

Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
Posts: 712
SAD NFL NEWS

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league.

So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs, they will be known as the..........TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string...


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 31, 2009 11:10 pm 
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Decepticon Communications Officer
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Joined: Mon May 12, 2008 5:35 pm
Posts: 696
Location: New York
Sry for the late reply but welcome to TFL Groundshaker!!!

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 11:32 am 
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Aerial Supreme Commander

Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
Posts: 712
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ...
you need to fart. The music is really loud,
so you time your farts with the beat. After a
couple of songs, you start to feel better as

you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus,
people are really staring you down, and that's when
you realize, you have been listening to your ipod.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 11:33 am 
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Original Oldskool 'Bot
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Posts: 545
Location: Norway
BAAAHAHWAWAWAWAHHHAHAHAH!!!! :lol: :P Excellent!!

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 3:32 pm 
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Decepticon Communications Officer
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Posts: 696
Location: New York
:lol: Nice one Ghost

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 11:50 am 
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Aerial Supreme Commander

Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
Posts: 712
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


The more you read the better it gets .


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.

Women usually somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, birthdays, secret fears and hopes and dreams

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget every mistake he's ever made. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 11:51 am 
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Aerial Supreme Commander

Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 am
Posts: 712
The Black Bra


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have
been married for 20+
years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to
amaze our men by
wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over
our eyes. We
agreed to meet later to exchange notes. Here's
how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a
black leather
bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my
dreams.. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long.


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing the
leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened
the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex
all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather
bodice, black stockings,
stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner,
Batman?


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